After recognizing that quiet shift —that impactful moment when I truly grasped that my mother needed more of me than before—a whole new landscape opened up. It wasn't just about figuring out schedules or managing new daily routines. What really surprised me was the sheer intensity and complexity of the emotions that came with it. This journey, rooted deeply in my love for her, has been far from a smooth path. Instead, it’s felt like an intricate dance through a spectrum of feelings, from profound devotion to unexpected frustration, deep sadness, and, yes, even challenging bouts of guilt or resentment.

The Enduring Power of My Love

What I quickly learned was that underneath it all, anchoring me through every demanding moment, was my love for her. It’s this bond— forged through a lifetime of shared experiences and her tireless nurturing—that keeps me going. This love fuels (and a little guilt, I was raised Catholic after all...LOL) my patience when things are tough, gives me the energy to push through exhaustion, and brings me genuine joy in the small victories, like seeing her make progress with her mobility. It's my silent promise to her, enabling me to face whatever each new day brings.

When the Waters Get Choppy: My Frustrations and Sadness

Yet, even with that deep well of love, I’ve found myself grappling with intense frustrations. There are moments when her limited mobility, or the sheer effort it takes for her to do what many consider simple tasks, feels overwhelming for both of us. And the stubborn streak I’ve always known in her, which I once admired, now often becomes a source of my deepest frustration. Trying to help when she’s not easily told what to do, even if it’s for her own good, can feel like pushing against a solid wall. Beyond the frustration, there's a pervasive sadness I've come to know—a quiet grief for the way things used to be. It’s a pain that settles in as I witness her struggle, and I’ve realized it’s okay to feel that ache.

The Uncomfortable Undercurrents: My Guilt and Resentment

Perhaps the hardest emotions for me to admit, even to myself, have been moments of guilt and a quiet resentment. I’d feel a pang of guilt if I needed a few hours away, or if I wasn't feeling patient enough, thinking I should always be stronger, more capable. It’s as if there’s an invisible checklist of "perfect caregiver" tasks, and I constantly worry I’m falling short. Then there were the fleeting flashes of resentment. Times when the demands felt relentless, or when I looked at my own life and felt the weight of the sacrifices. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling, and I initially felt immense shame for even experiencing it. But I've come to understand that these aren't reflections of my love for her; they're simply human responses to an incredibly demanding and profound life change.

Embracing the Full Spectrum of My Feelings

What I've come to understand is that the key to navigating this emotional rollercoaster isn't to deny or suppress any of these challenging feelings. I realized that denying them was only making them heavier. Instead, it’s about acknowledging them as valid, albeit sometimes uncomfortable, parts of *my* experience. Recognizing that my love, frustration, sadness, guilt, and even resentment can all coexist within me has been a powerful step towards self-compassion and making this journey more sustainable.

For me, finding healthy outlets for these emotions became essential. I've heard that journaling can become a vital outlet for my unfiltered thoughts, so this blog will serve as that. Sometimes, just talking candidly with a trusted friend who understands the complexities helps immensely. Caregiving is truly a marathon, not a sprint, and I am learning that managing my own emotional well-being is just as crucial as managing the practical aspects of her care. By embracing the full, messy, beautiful spectrum of my feelings, I not only honour my own humanity but also strengthen my capacity to offer unwavering care and connection to my mom.

Part 1
Shifting Sands and Steadfast Love: A Caregiver's Journey

Part 3
The Daily Dance of Care: Managing Practicalities and Unexpected Hurdles

Part 4
Redefining Relationships: The Parent-Child Dynamic Reimagined